Loretta Andrews, mother of two, waiting for the third, when suddenly, without threatening symptoms, the third month of pregnancy she suffered a miscarriage.
“After that – says Loretta, now has four children – I could not recall a single woman, a former neighbor. She had a miscarriage, and I in every way, tried to comfort her, spoke of a wise mother nature, which thus does not allow the birth of children with developmental disabilities. After I lost my child, I wanted to call her and apologize and I realized that those are my words do not mean anything to her.
Nothing. I know, because they meant nothing to me when people talked to me. ”
Judith Lasker first pregnancy was easy. Birth she began on a sunny summer day.She and her husband worked in the garden when she felt it was time to go to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor examined her and said that the child goes to the buttocks, and that may require cesarean section. After the X-ray was taken, the doctor advised against surgery, and after a few hours on a gurney Judith brought in a generic room, where she gave birth to a dead girl.
“I remember the first words of the nurse:” It would be much worse if she had died in five years “- says Judith, which now grow two healthy girls. – Perhaps she was right, but for some reason I had to choose between a child who died at birth, and child who dies in five years? I was waiting for a live child, and my baby was born dead. Nurses and many other people have expressed such an attitude to this: “You did not know this child, do not worry, get pregnant again.” And I used to think the same way. But you must admit that sometimes I still cry, remembering my girl, but took twelve and a half years. ”
LOSS, who had not humble themselves
Loss of a child as a result of miscarriage or stillbirth is often deeply experienced parents and remains incomprehensible to the people around them.
Judith Lasker, Ph.D., loss of a child affected so badly that she and her friend Susan Borg, whom he knew from childhood, too, lost the baby shortly after birth, wrote the book “A failed pregnancy,” one of the first books for the general reader,telling about the “inexplicable” mountain. Dr. Lasker, professor of sociology at the University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, began to study this problem.
No one knows exactly how much parents annually find themselves face to face with the problem described, but based on data provided by the National Center for Health Statistics, Dr. Lasker calls 800 000 households each year grieving the loss of a child as a result of miscarriage and stillbirth.
Pre-made tests can detect the presence of genetic defects that can take away life the newborn. Stillbirth and miscarriage may be preceded by certain symptoms – bleeding, cessation of fetal movements, pain. But the warning signs may not be, and often the cause remains unknown. For a married couple is often first encounter with death, they are lost, not knowing what they “should” feel at times are completely disoriented feeling of overwhelming sadness.
“You try to say something to comfort, – said Dr. Lasker. – People are looking for a way to ease the loss, often comforting because you have another child is born and everything will be fine. But it may happen that has never been a beautiful life becomes as before. The sense of loss – a real sense of having all the bases. It’s part of your life. Only after some time most people begin to feel better. ”
Spontaneous abortion: the phenomenon of
Most experts believe that miscarriages end 14 to 18 percent of all pregnancies, but it is possible that the actual number is much higher. According to government reports, only one-quarter to one third of all conceptions end in a live birth. The remaining embryos are lost at some point between fertilization and birth, but particularly in the early stages of pregnancy, usually before a woman knows she is pregnant.
About three-quarters of all miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks, and, as shown by laboratory tests, 60 percent of them are due to malformations of the embryo, hereditary or arising as a result of random mutation. Others tend to occur as a result of poor implantation of a fertilized cell.
Miscarriages are more often in women who have had miscarriages in very young (18 years) and older women, as well as in patients with endometriosis, where tissue the endometrium of the uterus falls on other sites within the abdomen, and grows there. Late abortions, between 13th and 20th weeks, usually occur as a result of poor implantation, although the fetus may be normal. About 35 percent of miscarriages are caused by defects in the chromosomes.
If the cervix is too weak, as is often the case for those women whose mothers took an artificial hormone dietilstilbestrol (DS) during pregnancy, it can be revealed too early and the baby will be lost. Lead to miscarriage malformations of the uterus, such as a double uterus. Infection of the uterus (including diseases, sexually transmitted infections), fibroids and other tumors, such as scar tissue, poor diet, the effects of radiation or exposure to toxic substances at one of the parents, smoking, alcohol abuse, some medications, including some birth control pills – all it may increase the risk of spontaneous abortion. In some cases, miscarriages are caused by hormonal disorders or in the immune system.
Sometimes miscarriage can be prevented, but when he started, stop it rarely works. As noted by Dr. Lasker, some doctors at the first sign of miscarriage threatens to recommend bed rest. It may help. Sometimes even arisen bleeding cervix remains closed. In half the cases of early miscarriage, bleeding occurs. But the prescription of bed rest also aims to “remove the possible guilt” if the miscarriage is still going to happen.
Not easy to answer
Your first reaction to the miscarriage – any pregnancy is not ended with a live birth – may be the question: “Why did this happen?” ”Sometimes the doctor is able to provide a reason, especially if the couples in the lifestyle there is a factor that can be changed, but in many cases the answer is no, – says Dr. Lasker. – Why people begin to search for answers. They blame themselves. And the question: “Why did this happen?” – turns into another: “What did I do wrong?”
Considering how many boards gets pregnant, it is tempting to find some meaning in the loss, blaming himself in wrongdoing. Some couples begin to even look at what happened as a punishment for what they did in the past – to use contraception or to practice premarital sex. ”Our friends help us with this. They ask:” What could it be?Have you done this, did you then? “- Says Dr. Lasker. – Many people find an explanation in their own behavior, even though doctors say with certainty that this is not true.
But the sense of guilt at this point it may be beneficial. Like the shock and rejection that accompanies traumatic news, it helps to gradually cope with the loss. Feelings of guilt is part of grief, – indicates Dr. Lasker. - It gives grief a meaning. It suggests that you can influence the outcome. If you have nothing to depend, in psychological terms it is worse because it means that the next time you can not control events, can not prevent disaster, which is quite realistic, and yet your experience will be even more severe. But when sad feelings subside, you no longer feel like you are to blame for everything. Feelings of guilt will disappear. ”
MOST SENSE is not clear
Grief experienced by spouses and their families after miscarriage, compounded by the fact that people do not realize the attachment to the lost fetus, whereas studies show that it is very strong. Expectant mothers in early pregnancy have a strong emotional attachment to a child not yet born. A study conducted by Dr. Lasker for example, hundreds of couples has shown that Hill is usually the stronger, the longer a woman bore a child, but there are other studies showing that the duration of pregnancy is less important than the emotional bond with the child, which feels the woman. A woman who conceives a child really, even at an early stage of pregnancy may suffer so much after a miscarriage, as if she lost the baby.
Surrounding people, including medical personnel, may try to comfort the woman.One study found that physicians from the hospital staff talked about his attitude to abortion as a tragedy, but the study authors defined their behavior as a “silent sympathy” because compassion rarely expressed in words.
“Attempts by family members, friends and doctors do something to help often stokes the fire, – said Dr. Lasker. – You can hear:” You still give birth to another child “- even though you are in this not sure.”
Dr. Lasker found that many women suffer after an abortion, both physically and psychologically. Upset sleep, appetite disappears. It is hard to concentrate on something. A sense of guilt, helplessness, self-doubt, fear for the future. You can feel their inadequacy as a woman because you failed to do what others can not easily. Appears hostility, anger, and depression. Even when everything seems to be left behind, you are overcome by grief at the holidays memorable and that you were supposed to meet with the child.
Although spouses are the greatest solace in each other, there is a limit to which they can help each other. ”Woe, – said Dr. Lasker – experience alone. Even the most loving couple can not completely relieve the pain of each other. You and your husband in many ways feel the pain of loss.” Research carried out by Dr. Lasker, like many others, shows that the father usually does not feel a connection with the unborn child as the mother because the child is not for him a physical reality. In addition, men in another way to express their deepest feelings.
You can get mad at her husband for what his feelings are not the same as yours. A man may well feel helpless and frustrated because they can not comfort you. Do you want to say – helps many women, when they “pronounce” – but for him these conversations are not portable. ”Part of the difference in behavior is explained by the fact that men and women do differently express grief – suggests Dr. Lasker. – Men and women are brought up differently. Men say that they have to be strong, take care of their wives, and as a result they do not entirely capture their grief. ”
Professor of Sociology,JudithLaskerand her colleagues,interviewinghundreds of men andwomenwholost theirchilddue tomiscarriage orstillbirth,asked them to giveadviceto those whohave to go throughsuch anordeal.
That’s whatthey said:
- Do notturn in on themselves, seeksupport fromfamily and friends.
-Do not loseconfidence.
-Look to the future.
- Continueto livea full life.
-Survivethis and you willrecover.
- Take themountain.
-Think aboutwhat you need.
-Eventually you‘ll feel better.
- Youare not alone.
- Do notblame yourself.
- Makeanother attempt.
- Getgood medical care, find adoctorwho understandsyou.